|How Tom Acquired Betty: A Prequel
||[Jul. 27th, 2007|01:13 am]
|||||The Pipettes - Simon Says||]|
Lukass Wooller was a pretty boy.
Except he wasn't a boy, he was a man.
A grown-up man.
"How did you come to be so pretty?" people would ask him.
"I just am." He would reply.
Lukass was so pretty, he couldn't walk down the street. Because when he did, all the girls would scream: "OH MY GOD!!! HE'S TOO PRETTY!!! MY EYES!!! THEY'RE BURNING!!!!" and then their eyes would melt out of their sockets and the messy eye goop would drip to the ground.
Lukass had a friend named Tom. This story is about Tom, not Lukass. I just like talking about how pretty Lukass is. Because he is. VERY. PRETTY.
Tom was a pretty grown-up man, just like Lukass. But poor Tom, no matter how pretty he was, he couldn't get a girlfriend. Any time he would talk to a girl, they wouldn't believe how pretty he was. They couldn't see for themselves because they had no eyes. Lukass had melted them all. All they had was a goopy, liquid mess at the bottom of their feet, and they couldn't see very well with that. Plus, even if they had eyes left, they'd be too busy staring at Lukass to even give Tom the time of day.
Tom was very sad & very lonely for a very long time. Until one day, he talked to his friend, Archis.
"Archis?" Tom asked, "I'm very sad & lonely. What should I do?"
"Well," replied Archis, "You should visit Barry the Wizard!"
"Who-rry the Wha-zard?" asked Tom.
"Barry! You know! That guy!"
"Oh, yes, him! But how will that help?"
"It's what I did when I was lonely! He helped me out a lot! But luckily, I didn't need his help for much longer, because I found Adrian, the love of my life! She's really the bees knees! Now we raise bunnies together."
"EH-DREE-AN. ADRIAN ADRIAN ADRIAN."
"Adrian! Oh, that's a neat name! If I ever have a daughter, I'm naming her Adrian! Because it's a GIRL's name. Not a boy's."
With that, Tom was off! But, unfortunately, he didn't know where this 'Barry' fellow lived. So, he called another friend, Duncan.
"Duncan?" Asked Tom, "Where does Barry the Wizard live?"
"Who-rry the Wha-zard?" asked Duncan.
"You know! That guy!"
"Oh, yes. Him. He lives in London. Some place that begins with an F. Maybe Finchley?"
"But he's not there now."
"Oh...Where is he now, then?"
"Oh, uhmm...Antarctica? Yes, Antarctica! That's it!"
"What's a wizard doing in a frozen desert?!"
"I think he likes penguins..."
"All right. I'm off to Antarctica, then!"
"Why're you going to Antarctica?"
"Because I'm lonely!"
"You think the penguins will keep you company?"
"No! I'm going to go see Barry!"
"Because I'm lonely!"
"How's Barry going to help you?"
"I don't know! But Archis told me to go see him. He said when he was lonely, he talked to Barry, and Barry helped him out."
"Oh, yes I remember that...But then he found Adrien, right? She's got such a cool name! A cool GIRL's name, not a boy's!"
"Actually it's 'Adrian'."
And Tom was off! Again!
But Tom had no idea how to get to Antarctica (or where it was) so he talked to yet another friend. This time it was that pretty grown-up man from the beginning of the story. Lukas! But when Tom went to talk to Lukass, Lukass was very busy.
Some girls had been trying to spy on him (who didn't know about the eye goop business). Lukass had seen them spying through the bushes, and decided it would be nice to have some girls over (because he's a filthy whore). Lukass called for them to come inside, which of course they did, but when they saw Lukas in person, their eyes got very goopey and fell out of their eye-sockets. Lukass was very upset about this, since he had just gotten new carpet. But the girls didn't seem to mind, they were squealing with delight from seeing Lukass. They thought the blindng pain in their eyes was just temporary, that they were just shocked at seeing him in person.
When Tom came over, Lukass was in the middle of calling the carpet cleaners. He had kicked the girls out for making such a mess and threw the eye goop out with them. The cleaners, though, were very rude and said they couldn't help at all because they were in a bad mood since they're wives weren't gettin' all sexy with 'em.
Tom told Lukass about his predicament and asked if he could help out at all. Lukass said he would get Tom a plane ticket to Antarctica if Tom would help Lukass clean up when he got back. So, Tom promised he would, and Lukass got Tom a plane ticket.
Tom was very happy when he got on his plane. He slept a while, and then woke up. When they got to Antarctica, though, Tom was very surprised, seeing as there was no airport in Antarctica.
Instead of landing, the pilot just lowered the plane and Tom was roughly thrown off. And once Tom got off, he realized how cold it was, and wished he brought a warmer jacket, or any jacket at all. He was wearing a short-sleeved shirt, like he always did, because he's a silly goof.
This all came as a complete surprise to Tom, so he didn't know what to do. He decided to just walk around for a while, which he did well. He was wandering around when he saw some penguins swimming in a little hole, trying to catch some fish. He thought that the penguins looked very warm & un-lonely in their feathers & playing with their other penguin buddies. This made him very sad, so he started to cry. The penguins stopped playing when they noticed a pretty pale boy crying at them, and went over to him to see what was wrong.
"What's wrong?" asked a penguin with a black spot under his eye (from now on we'll refer to this character as "Spotty" so as not to get him confused with the other penguins).
"I'm so lonely! You penguins look so happy...So warm & happy! Together! I'm so cold & lonely! Hold me!" Cried Tom, falling into Spotty's flipper-like arm things.
"Oh, there, there! Poor pretty pale boy!" Wailed the penguins.
"What's your name?" Asked Spotty, with a sincerely worried look on his face, while he rubbed Tom's head.
"Tom." replied Tom, in between sobs.
"Well, Tom!" said Spotty, "You can hang out with us for a while, if you like!"
"Really?" Tom asked, looking up through red eyes & tear-stained cheeks.
"Sure!" Replied Spotty.
So, Tom wiped his face, & the penguins showed him where they lived. The penguins lived on the bottom of a medium-sized hill a little ways away from the hole where Tom had spotted them swimming. There were lots & lots & lots of other penguins there, and they were all ecstatic to see Tom. The penguins asked Tom lots & lots of very interesting questions about where he came from and things he liked and a whole bunch of other things that are really very boring.
That night, the penguins held a great feast in honor of their new guest. They had lots of non-fish meat products, which Tom thought was strange.
"That's weird!" Tom told Spotty, "I didn't know penguins ate things besides fish & ice!"
"Oh, well, er..." replied Spotty, "it's...Seal! Yes, seal! Eat them before they eat you, I always say!"
"Oh, well that makes sense, I guess!" Tom said, still a little confused. But he didn't mind, because it was DEE-LISH-ISE!
Later that night, when the feast was over and most of the penguins were asleep, Spotty had a talk with Tom.
"Thanks for inviting me, Spotty! I've had a really good time." Said Tom to the penguin.
"Oh, I'm glad!" replied Spotty. "We've enjoyed having you here! Will you be staying for much longer?"
"I don't think so. I should really be on my way! Got lots of things to do."
"Oh, really? But you will stay at least a few more nights, won't you?"
"Well...I don't know, I really should go...But oh well! I can stay! I'm having fun here!"
"Oh, good! But I must warn you, there's a scary man that lives around here, at the bottom of the other end of this hill. He comes out at night and kidnaps penguins!"
"Yeah, I know! He torments us...It's horrible! And after he takes the penguin, he EATS them!"
"Yeah, yeah, I know! But nobody knows what he looks like! So we can't really watch out for him...All we know is how his hair is styled."
"...How's it styled?"
"It's fashioned into a comb over, parted on his left...And he's got a little curl on his right side."
"..A little curl?"
"Yes, on his right side."
"Like...his fringe curls to the side?"
"No, no! It's right above his ear...It curls up and away from his ear."
"Oh my God, I can't believe it! That's insane! What a freak!"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know! We call him, 'The Curl of DOOOOOOOOM' so, watch out for him! Because you never know where he is..."
"Well, goodnight!" Spotty said cheerily.
"Goodnight." Tom was terrified out of his mind now, but that didn't stop him from falling asleep the second his head hit the pillow. he was completely tuckered out! He'd had a very busy day.
While Tom was busily sleeping, dreaming about blonde balloons floating away from him, when he was awoken by somebody whispering his name...
"...Tom..." The voice whispered.
"Huh?" said Tom, waking up from his deep slumber and starting to stand, "What?"
"...Tom..." the voice whispered again.
"...What?" Tom whispered back.
"...Come here..." Answered the voice.
"...Who are you? Is this God? You sure sound pretty girly for a God."
"NO I am not God. Will you PLEASE just come here?"
"...Where's here?" Asked Tom, still whispering.
"...On top of the hill..." said the voice. The voice had a tone where you could tell it was starting to get annoyed. Tom was a very annoying creature.
"...But I'm tired! I don't want to walk all the way up that big hill!" Tom said with a shrill, whiney voice.
"Just do it! God, you're so annoying!" The voice yelled, quite annoyed by now.
"But I don't want to! Can't you come down here?"
"You now what, just forget it! You're too annoying! Don't come up here! I hate you!" The voice answered, hoping Tom couldn't resist doing what he was told not to.
But the voice was wrong, Tom could resist it.
"All right." Answered Tom, lying back down.
"No, no! I'm sorry! Please come up here!" Pleaded the voice.
"Alright, fine, I'm coming..." Tom said, getting up and making his way towards the hill.
Tom made his way up the hill, forgetting what Spotty had told him about the man on the other side of the hill, because besides being very annoying, he was quite stupid.
When he got up there, he looked around. Not seeing anyone or anything, he decided to say something.
"...Hello? I'm here. Now what?" He said, still whispering.
"You can stop whispering now, you twit." Answered the voice, coming from behind him. Tom turned around to find a man in a very cute sailor shirt and blazer and neat trousers, holding a teddy bear with a little curl. A man, who also had a curl! But Tom, being the silly annoying idiot that he was, didn't realise who he was looking at.
"..Yes?" Tom asked, looking confused. "What do you want?"
"...Don't you know who I am?" Said the man
"...They haven't told you about me? The not-so-little black & white people usually warn them by now..."
"No, not the band...The little people down there at the bottom of the hill."
"Oh, you mean the penguins!"
"Oh, is that what they call themselves these days? Clever bastards..."
"Uhm, I think I remember a warning about something...some guy with a curl, or something."
And then Tom noticed The Curl's curl.
"Oh, you're him!! No wonder! You're not so scary-looking. Your hair's even kind of cute!"
"Oh, thanks!" Replied the evil Curl. "I really like it, too. I really like how its curling today." He said, wrapping a finger around his curl.
"How do you get it like that? Its really cool, I really like it!"
"Well, I use hair spray and a curling iron, it takes a really long time, some days...But enough about my hair! I must warn you!"
"Warn me about what?"
"The not-so-little black & white people!"
"What? What's wrong with them? They're my friends!"
"They're not your friends! They're evil! EEVVIILL!!"
"Evil? No, they're my friends! I was lonely before I met them! They make me unlonely!"
"They're bad, bad, evil, not-so-little black & white people!"
"No, they're not!"
Then Tom picked up some snow and started to throw it at the curl.
"What're you doing?!? I'm trying to help you and you're throwing snow at me!" Cried the curl, ducking and dodging through the flying snow.
"No! The penguins are my friends! Go Away! Leave me alone!"
"No, they're bad! They ate my brother, I tell you! They did!"
"They what?!? Puh-leese! That's insane! Like a penguin would eat a person! That's just gross!"
Then Tom threw some more snow at The Curl and ran down the hill, back towards the penguins.
When he got back down, the penguins had almost all gotten up. Some had been woken up by all the noise Tom & The Curl had made, and others because the sun had just come up and it came naturally to the penguins to get up with the sun.
Spotty came up to talk to Tom and see what had happened.
"What's going on?" Spotty asked Tom.
"Well, I was sleeping, and then this voice woke me up! It told me to go up the hill, so I did! And then The Curl was there!"
"Oh no! What happened next?"
"Well, he started telling me this crazy stuff about how you guys ate his brother! So I threw snow at him and ran back down here."
"We ate who? Please! Like we'd eat people! That's even yuckier than eating a penguin! Gross!"
"Yeah, that's what I said!"
"Well, anyhoo...Let's talk about lighter subjects!"
"Have I told you about our spa?"
"A spa? No way!"
"Yes way! It's a spa for special guests, just like you!"
"Oh cool! Where is it?!?"
"Well, follow me and I'll show you!"
So Tom followed the penguin to the spa. The spa was made out of snow, not surprisingly. It was like a little Eskimo's home. An igloo! That's what it was like. The entrance hole was barely big enough for Tom to fit through, but he squeezed his way in. Once inside, he saw a giant pot filled with boiling water.
"What's that?" Tom asked.
"It's...a massaging bath, of course! The warmth of the water is very massaging." answered Spotty.
"Oh, neat!" exclaimed Tom, very excited.
"Well, just get your clothes off and jump in!" said Spotty, walking over to the giant pot to check the temperature of the water.
"All right!" cried Tom with a jubilant face, ripping his clothes off. After his clothes were torn off, he jumped into the pot like Spotty had suggested.
"Oh! It's very hot!" complained Tom, sitting down in the pot. "It feels like I'm being cooked!"
"What?!? Being cooked?!? That's a silly thought! Why would we cook you???!!! We're not people-eaters!"
"Calm down! I was only joking!"
"Oh...al'right. Just enjoy your bath while I go get the vegetables- I mean soothing bathing materials!" Spotty said, leaving the snow-made spa.
"Alright...Oh, look! A rubber duckie! I love these!" He said, picking up the squeezie toy and playing with it.
Tom was busily enjoying his newfound toy, when he heard a noise from outside.
"Eek! Egads!" He could hear other penguins crying, "What's he doing here??? Oh no!!!"
All of a sudden, a man scrambled into the spa.
"Oh, geez!!!" cried Tom, jumping up and making water fly around everywhere, but still holding onto his new rubber duckie.
"Finally! I found you!" cried the man, trying to get up. While he was getting up, Tom saw his hair and realized who it was.
"Oh geez, it's you!" He cried to The Curl. "Why can't you just leave me alone? I told you, these are my friends!"
"They're not you're friends! They're trying to eat you! Why don't you believe me?!?" cried the Curl back at Tom.
"Why would they eat me? They only eat seals! Spotty told me that they don't eat people because that's just plain gross!"
"Spotty? Who's that?"
"The one with the spot under his eye."
"He's their leader! I'm telling you the truth, the not-so-little black & white people ARE GOING TO EAT YOU!"
"Why do you think you're in a giant pot full of boiling hot? Hmm? Do you think it's some type of SPA or something?"
"...Well, yeah, Spotty told me it was a spa..."
"And you believed him?"
"Well...yeah. Why wouldnt I?"
"Please, you really can't be this stupid...You do realise that the penguins are cooking you, don't you?"
But before Tom had time to finish his thought, there were loud noises from outside, a few bloodcurdling screams, and a polar bear rushed in.
"Thank goodness!" yelled the polar bear, "I found you two before the penguins could eat you!"
"Who are you?" cried The Curl.
"I'm just your friendly neighbourhood polar bear, here to protect you from the evil penguins. Come on, we have to get out of here! Climb on my back!"
So, Paul jumped on top of the giant bear. Tom was still sitting in the pot, dumbstruck, so the bear grabbed him and carried him off. Tom dropped his new duckie in the pot, and said, sad and quietly: "Bye, Mr. Duckie. Remember me fondly!"
The bear made his way out of the igloo. Luckily all the penguins had been scared off by the enormous beast, who ran for dear life, until they were far, far away from the penguins camp. When they were far enough away, the bear set the two boys done, and realised just how clothesless Tom was.
"...Aren't you cold?" asked the bear to Tom.
"What?..Oh, yes, actually, I am..." Then Tom realised how clothesless and freezing cold he was, and started shivering. He was standing naked in the Arctic.
"Well, here..." said the bear, pulling out a giant white fur coat out of his fur and handed it to Tom.
"Thanks..." said Tom, pullling the coat over his shameful naked body.
"Hey! Have you got any hair-styling supplies in there? My curl is feeling a bit limp at the moment."
"Sure.." said the bear, digging in his fur for blow-dryers, curling irons, hair-spray and hair gel, and handing it all to the Curl. "There's a frozen water-hole waaaaaayy over there, I bet you could see your reflection in that."
"Oh, thanks!" with that, the Curl ran off to the water-hole.
"Tom, can you keep a secret? I need help with a little problem I've got." asked the bear.
"Sure, what do you need?"
"Well, you see..." then the bear pulled down what seemed to be a zipper down the back of his head, to the bottom of his feet. The polar bear fur fell off him, and revealed a man in a purple robe with silver stars on it, and a pointy hat to match. The man looked strange, sort of like a cross between a badger and the Queen of England. He also had a magic wand a yellow magic wand that made a noise like it was humming to itself.
"I'm really not a polar bear."
"WOAH!" Tom yelled, jumping back, 'Who are you?!?"
"Don't worry! I'm a friend! I'm Barry, the Wizard."
"BARRY THE WIZARD!!!!! You're the reason I came to Antarctica!!!!"
"..Really, what did you want with me?"
So, Tom explained his lonely predicament to Barry.
"Well, let's make a deal. I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine, alright?" asked Barry.
"Sure." answered Tom. "What is it you need?"
"Well, first, you know the Curl's real name? It's Paul."
"Paul? What a dorky name."
"..Anyhoo..Did Paul mention a brother of his?"
"Oh, yeah! He got eaten by the penguins! Tragic, isn't it?"
"Yeah, well, you see..he didn't really get eaten by the penguins. I'm the Curl's brother."
"Oh, wow! Won't Paul be shocked to find that out!"
"No, NO! You can't tell him! See, this'll be your end of the bargain."
"What, not telling Paul you're his brother?"
"Well, yes and no. You see, my brother and I used to live here, in Antarctica, together. He lived with me and I took care of him because, you see, he's a bit crazy. (Tom chipped in: "Oh, yes, I noticed") Well, not just a bit, a lot crazy. He's a madman. Insanely insane. I would have to watch him night and day, make sure he didn't scare or threaten any innocent citizens. But eventually, I got completely sick of him. Who wouldn't? I just couldn't stand him any longer! I just had to get out. So, one day I left him a note, saying I had been kidnapped and eaten by the penguins, and never looked back. I moved to Finchley and lived there for a while. And, although I love Finchley dearly, Antarctica's my home, and I missed it. So, I decided to move back here. But you see, I can't, as Paul still lives in my house. And I know what you're thinking, just get a new house! But that house is my house. And, seeing as this is Antarctica, it'd be pretty difficult to just find another house. Maybe an igloo, but those things are cold! And I'm no eskimo! And I could hardly stand living here knowing that at any moment I could run into that psychopath."
"But wait...does that mean I wouldn't have really gotten eaten by the penguins?"
"Oh, I have no doubt in my mind that the penguins would've eaten you. They're ferocious man-eaters!"
"Ahh...So, what do you want me to do?"
"I want you to take Paul back to wherever you came from with you. Keep him occupied somehow, you know, try and make him less crazy. He likes to write! Try and keep him occupied with that! he loves to sing, as well! He's always dreamed of being a singer, why not bring him to karaoke night at the local pub or something?"
"All right, I think I've actually got something in mind...Paul and I will have lots of fun together!"
"Oh, thank God! You've got no idea what sort of relief this is to me! Thank you thank you THANK YOU."
"Oh, no problem. Now, for your end of the deal?"
"Oh, right. Here..." he said, putting his hand in the bear suit and rummaging around, and finally pulling something plastic and blonde out and handing it to Tom.
"What's this?" asked Tom quizzically.
"Blow it up and see!"
"Blow it up?...Oh!" Tom exclaimed, finding the hole. Tom blew and blew and blew and blew and blew and blew until his new toy was full of air. "...Is this..what -?..is it..?"
"It's a blow-up doll!" exclaimed Barry
"Well, this isn't exactly what I had in mind..."
"What did you have in mind, then?? Come on! This'll work great! You'll be gettin' laid every night! Sort of...so you'll be less desperate to get laid, and the chicks dig that! It worked for Archis, didn't it?"
"Well, I guess that makes sense..All right, we'll try it your way!" Tom said excitedly.
"All right, well thanks for everything." Said Barry, "I better get going before Paul comes back. See you around, Tom. And thanks again. Oh, and one last thing! I you need anything else, just check the fur."
"Okay! Thanks Barry! Bye!" Tom yelled, waving like a maniac
Barry ran a few yards away, and then ran back to Tom.
"Oh, and Tom?"
"You didn't eat anything while you were there, did you? Because you know...I think it's a strictly-human diet"
"Oh, don't worry, I didn't eat any human. Only seal!"
"Oh...Oh God...Well, er, goodbye now." and with that, he ran far, far away, as fast as he could.
When Barry was out of distance, Tom sat down to admire his new plastic friend. "Hmm...What shall I call you?" He said to his doll. "What do you look like to me...I know! A Betty! You look like a Betty! Hey, Betty, how's it goin'?" Tom looked the doll up and down, starting to like this idea of Barry's, and said to her: "Are you tired? 'Cos you've been runnin' through my mind all day long. You've been running, though, because I've been chasing you with a chainsaw!" and many other wonderfully cheesy pick-up lines. But I guess Betty liked that sort of thing, 'cos they were gettin' busy in no time.
When Paul finally got back from fixing his hair, he found Tom smoking a cigarette and patting his right pocket where he had placed his new plastic love.
"Where'd the bear go?" asked Paul.
"Oh, he had to get home. His wife's very picky about how late he stays out."
"Oh, all right. So, what now?"
"How'd you like to come back to the Castle of New with me?"
"Yes, really! It'd be fun, don't you think?"
"Well, I don't know...there's lots of work to be done here, protecting innocent people from penguins and such."
"Well, I think the polar bears have that under control, don't you?"
"Well, I guess...but I don't know."
"Did I tell you I've got a band? We're looking for a singer."
"Oh, really!?!?!?! That's always been my dream! Of course I'll go with you! Just one queston: How do we get there?"
"Oh, well..." Tom was dumbfounded, he had no idea how to get home. Then he remembered what Barry had told him about the fur, and stuffed his hand down in it, and pulled out a magic carpet!
"Oh, neat!" the boys cried excitedly in unison: "A magic carpet!"
They knew it was a magic carpet because of the stamp on it saying "MAGIC CARPET : MHRA APPROVED" but why would it need to be MHRA approved, you ask? Don't ask me, I'm not the one that makes the laws on magic carpets.
Tom and Paul eagerly jumped on the carpet, but were dissappointed when it just sat there, very unmagic-like.
"...How do we make it move, I wonder?" pondered Paul.
"Maybe if we tell it where to go?" said Tom. "The Castle of New!" But the carpet didn't flinch.
"But, what I wonder more is where did that fur come from?"
"Er...well..you see...polar bears shed!"
"Oh! I guess that makes sense...Hmm...maybe if we said 'please'!" said Paul, and with that the carpet sped offtowards the Castle of New, faster than a speeding bullet, faster than Superman!
When they did get to Newcastle, Tom called a bandmeeting at Lukass's house. Tom and Paul got there first, and Tom introduced Lukas to Paul, and vice versa.
"So, have you gotten the cleaners to come yet?" Tom asked Lukas.
"No! They're still not gettin' any sexiness with their wives! I'm so upset about this! If only there was some way I could sexually please them without actually having to do anything so as to get them to clean my new carpets..." said Lukass.
"Wait!" exclaimed Tom, pulling Betty out of his pocket, "I've got an idea! I could let the cleaners borrow my new friend!"
"Tom, you're brilliant!" cried Lukass, hugging Tom tightly.
And so, the cleaners were called and pleased. Archis and Duncan came and met Paul. They all agreed to let him join, and they became the lovely MaxEEmo Park.