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the story i wrote for Han because my livejournal thing is (was) blank. - Nothing I do's my fault. [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
This means war.

[ myspazz | Archer's lovemuffin ]
[ I'm not stupid | despite how it seems. ]
[ history repeats... | under the sea ]
[ wearescientists.com | has seized your very mind. ]

the story i wrote for Han because my livejournal thing is (was) blank. [Jan. 29th, 2006|06:49 pm]
[mood |amused& accomplished]
[moosaiq |music is the victim - Scissor Sisters]

Once upon a time there was a girl named Han. She lived in a not-so-magical place called Milton Keynes, I think. She had magical guitar-playing abilities and all the pretty rockstars swooned over her and wanted to be signed to her record label, but to the all rockstars dismay, Han was trapped in a tall castle guarded by a fire-breathing dragon! Oh no! Han had promised any band that could save her a contract with her label. Hundreds of bands had tried to get past the miserable old dragon, but all failed miserably. The dragon had an excellent security system with cameras everywhere. One band, though, called Maxïmo Park, longed to be signed to Han's company. Maxïmo Park had five members, Tom, the drummist, Archis, the bassist, Lukas, the keyboardist, Duncan, the guitarist, and Paul, the singer. Lukas was an expert at Karate, Duncan in chess, Tom in blowing up blow-up dolls, Paul in jumping really high and kicking in the air, but Archis, he wasn't very good at anything, excpet rocking out on the bass guitar. Maxïmo Park wanted to be signed to Han's label so badly, that they decided to take the risk on the dangerous adventure and go to the tower to rescue Han! Before going, the band decided to consult their good friend, Barry the Wizard. Barry told them that the best way to get through the castle was to distract the dragon at the front of the castle, while running through the castle in the back. With their helpful information from Barry, they left for their adventure! The band had to take an aeroplane to Milton Keynes, since it was very far away from were they lived. Once they got off the aeroplane, it was a short walk to the castle. A deep, blue mot surrounded the castle, with a bridge over it and a sliding-glass door. As they walked towards the bridge, they could see burnt corpses thrown about all over. They were quite disgusted by it and wanted to leave, but they kept going! They got to the bridge, but there was still no sign of the dragon. They talked it over, and decided Tom, Archis, and Duncan, would distract the dragon, while Paul and Lukas saved Han. Tom, Archis and Duncan walked across the bridge, up to the glass door, while Lukas and Paul ran around to the back of the castle. When the three of them got to the door, Tom knocked, and it was immediately opened by the dragon. When they saw the dragon, they were horrified! They'd never seen such a horrible, disgusting creature in their entire lives! It was so disgusting, that I can't describe it to you, because you might have a heart attack from the mere image in your head. The only thing I can safely tell you is that he had cute little black glasses, in a sort of rectangular shape. A bit like Buddy Holly, but smaller. At first, they didn't know what to do. The dragon stood there, staring at the three like they were out of their minds. Eventually, Duncan said "Are you the dragon that guards this castle?"
The dragon replied, "DUH. Do you SEE any other dragons around here?"
"Uhmm... Good point." Said Duncan, "But I came here to do something!"
"I challenge you to a game of chess!"
"Oh, please? with sugar and cherries on top?" Duncan begged, getting on his knees.
"Will you leave if I do?" asked the dragon.
"Sure!" said Duncan.
So, the dragon went inside to get a table, chairs and a chessboard, and brought them outside, and they started their game of Chess. Duncan black, the dragon white.

Meanwhile, Lukas and Paul were having a hard time trying to get through the castle in the back, when there was no door, and the only window was to far up to climb through.
"What are we going to do?" asked Lukas.
"Well how am I supposed to know?" asked Paul, shrugging his shoulders.
"There's no way in!" cried Lukas, "Where going to be stuck out here, and then the dragon will come and eat us! I don't want to be dragon food, Paul!"
"Calm down, you fool!" yelled Paul, slapping Lukas across the face.
"I'm sorry." said Lukas, slightly ashamed and red in the face.
All of a sudden, they heard a voice coming from above...
"What the fuck are you two doing?!" the voice yelled.
"What?" said Paul.
"Where's that coming from?" asked Lukas.
All of a sudden a shoe fell on top of Lukas' head.
"What the hell?!?" exclaimed Lukas.
"Up here, you idiots!" cried the voice from above. Then, Lukas and Paul looked up, only to see the magnificent Han's face, popping out of the window.
"What the Hell are you waiting for? Come and rescue me!" screamed Han.
"But we can't!" Lukas pointed out, "There's no way to get up!"
"Here," Han said, flinging her hair out the window, "climb up this!"
"Oh, um..Alright." Said Paul, with a confused look on his face. "So, how's this going to work?"
"If you put your foot here, on the wall, and pull up with your arms..." Replied Lukas.
"No, no, that's making it worse...Hee-rr-ee..." Lukas said, moving Paul's foot around.
"No, Lukas! My foot won't bend that way!"
"Yes it will! You just have to apply some pressure to this spot..."
"Oh, no, it doesn't, sorry about that! But if you put it here..."
"NO. Stay AWAY from the feet. I 'll get up myself."
Lukas and Paul then proceeded to climb up Han's long brown hair, which was quite painful for Han, and she yelled many obscene things which my mommy doesn't allow me to say. Eventually they made it up, but once up, were given another problem. How do they get back down? But just then, they looked down the window at the ground, and Tom was there.
"Tom!" Paul yelled, "What're you doing? You're supposed to be distracting the dragon!"
"I know! Duncan's distracting him with a game of chess. While Archis sits there. And watches."
"Well, we're kind of stuck up here. Any ideas on how to get us down?"
"Yeah! I've got one in my pocket!" Tom said, pulling a folded-up blow-up doll out of his pocket.
"Tom, NO! Now is NOT the time for THAT! PUT IT AWAY."
"Shush, Paul!" Tom said, starting to blow up the doll. After the doll was all blown-up, Tom yelled up to them "Jump onto the doll! She'll cushion your fall!"
"Oh, Tom, you're brilliant! But remember, it's not a 'she'. It's an inanimate object." cried Paul.
"Oh, it's a she. Trust me." stated Tom.
"What'd he do?" asked Han, poking her head out the window,"Oh, fuck." She sighed, seeing Tom's doll.
"Jump on down!" yelled Tom.
"Do I really have to?" asked Han, turning to Paul, "I don't know where that thing's been! Well, actually, I do, and that's what frigthens me..."
"Well, you can go down, or stay here." replied Paul.
"Oooh..." Han took a deep breathe, and jumped out the window!
"OOoooooohhhhhhh!!!!!" squealed Han as she fell from the sky. She landed on the doll with a hard 'thud', right were the naughty bits would be! But luckily it didn't hurt too much.
"Oh, God, that was disgusting." said Han, jumping off the doll as fast as her legs would take her.
"Im so sorry." Tom immediately replied, with a shameful look upon his face.
"Oh, you should be. Stay that way."
"Well, umm...Paul! You can come down now! Please!"
"Coming!" yelled down Paul. "OOooff!" he grunted, falling out the window.
"Alright, Now just Lukas!" said Tom.
"Yes...just...Lukas..." Paul said, struggling to climb out of the giant doll's cleavage. "He should...be..on his..way..now...OOooff!" He grunted, finally escaping the giant doll's bosom.
"Look! There's Lukas now!" And with a thud, he landed by Paul, on the doll's head.
"Oh, my poor doll..." Said Tom, with a look like he was about to cry. His doll had become very flattened with everyone jumping on it, and had acquired a few holes where you could hear the air seeping through, making a soft whistle. Tom wrapped his arms around the giant doll, and held it close until it flattened all the way down...
After this, Han gave Tom a hard slap across the face and said some nasty words.
Everyone got up and dusted themselves off, when Duncan came running up.
"Duncan! What are you doing?" asked Lukas, "You're supposed to be distracting the dragon! Where's Archis?"
"Calm down, Lukas! There's nothing to worry about!" replied Duncan.
"Where's the dragon then?"
"With Archis."
"He'll eat Archis! What's wrong with you!?"
"Oh no, don't worry. I beat teh dragon at chess, then he got very upset, nd noticed Archis sitting there, so he started chasing him."
"How long do you think that'll last?" asked Paul.
"Oh, awhile. Archis may be a fat old sloth, but he's quick as a bunny."
"Alright, should we go then?" asked Tom.
"Well, I don't know..." said Paul, "I didn't really gthink that far ahead..."
"Oh, you idiots." stated Han. "You didn't think about this at all, did you?"
"Well, when I asked Barry," said Paul, "he only told us to distract the dragon..."
"Well, let's jut go then, I guess." said Tom.
"What, and try to get past teh dragon?" asked Lukas.
"Yeah, I guess."
"Well, that's a brilliant idea..."
"Alright, let me just gather up Betty..."
"What? Who?" asked Han.
"Betty!" Squealed Tom, grabbing his deflated doll.
"Oh, you fucking mental, you've got to be kidding me..." Sighed Han. "You can't be serious?"
"Of course I'm serious! I have to take Betty! She's my true love! I couldn't leave her here for the dragon to eat! Do you know how much I've been through with her?!"
"But, couldn't get another one?" Pleaded Han.
"Another one?! Oh, sure, I already have tons of other ones! I keep spares in my other pocket just in case!" cried Tom, "But this is Betty! I could never just leave her! She's my true love!"
Han, realising that Tom wasn't leaving without Betty, replied:
"Oh...Christ, hurry up."
So Tom, with a jubilant face, gently folded up Betty and stored her in his right pocket.
"Alright, I'm ready to go!" He said delightedly.
"So we're just going to walk by the dragon? What about Archis?" asked Lukas.
"Well, he can run, can't he? He'll catch up. or maybe the dragon's already eaten him! Haha." replied Han.
So, the gang started around the castle to the front of it. It took quite a lot longer than it should have taken, though. Every so often, Tom would make everyone stop so he could let Betty out of his pockets to let her breathe. Whenevr he did this, Han would throw a fit until her put Betty away. Paul found the walk quite boring, so did something to amuse himself. He stopped, pointed to the sky and yelled:
"Look! It's the dragon!"
Han, though, did not find this at all amusing and poked Paul's flab.
Paul was very surprised by this, since he had no flab to be poked.
"Oh, how'd you do that?" He asked.
"Magic." replied Han.

Eventually, they got to the front of the place. When they did, they saw Archis, running around in a circle, like a dog chasing his tail.
"What the Hell is he doing?" asked Han loudly.
"Uhmm...that's a good question" said Duncan.
"Archis!" yelled Paul, "What are you doing?"
"What does it look like?" Yelled back Archis, "I'm trying to run away from the dragon!"
"You do realise there's no dragon, don't you?" asked Han.
"There...Really?" asked Archis, looking behind him. Seeing no dragon chasing after him, he plopped down on the ground, exhausted.
"Well, I guess everything worked out!" said Paul, "We can just leave! No dragon to run past! Just leave!"
"Oh, I wouldn't be too sure of that." Said the dragon, walking out of his home.
"Oh, shit!" cried Tom and Duncan in unison.
"Oh! Paul! Come on! We can beat him! Come on!" squealed Lukas.
"Oh, yes! Alright, let's go!" replied Paul.
So, Lukas and Paul started attacking the poor dragon. Lukas, using his excellent robotic karate-chopping skills, and Paul, using his amazing ability to jump very very high and kick even higher.
The dragon, of course, being a dragon, had a very thick few layers of scales, and didn't feel a thing. But they kept jumping and kicking and karate-chopping. Tom, Duncan and Han acted as cheerleaders, and screamed & cheered for Paul and Lukas, but the dragon just sat there, taking it all in, waiting for them to get tired and sighing of boredom.
Archis saw that they were getting tired. He could tell because Paul's jumps and kicks were not quite as high, and when Lukas yelped as he chopped, he wasn't nearly as loud or animated as before. So, he decided to help.
All of a sudden, the gang got quiet. Tom, Duncan and Han's cheers had dyed down, Paul & Lukas' jumps, kicks, chops and yelps had stopped, and the dragon had turned towards Archis, who was playing his beautiful black bass geetar. Archis was playing a Maxïmo Park song called 'I Want You to Stay', and rockin' out like there was no tomorrow.
The dragon was astounded by Archis' gracious guitar playing. He was so amazed, he didn't know what to do. So he rolled over onto his back like a dog.
Paul, Lukas, Han, Tom & Duncan were all very surprised by the dragon's reaction to Archis' amazing guitar playing. What they didn't know, though, was that bass-playing was the dragon's weakness. Archis knew this, though, because Barry the Wizard had told him so. When Maxïmo Park had gone to Barry for help in the beginning of their adventure, he had taken Archis aside and told him that when they needed to escape, Archis could play his bass and the dragon would roll over like a dog. And Barry's advice had worked.
Paul & Lukas, seeing an opening, hit the dragon. Paul jumped onto the dragon's stomach and kicked it really really hard, while Lukas chopped the same area equally hard.
Now, in case you didn't know, a dragon's stomach is very very soft & squishy. It's the only spot on the dragon where you can do any harm. So, obviously, the impact of the two park boys hitting the very soft and very squishy part of the dragon really really hurt. He had a horrible tummy-ache for some time after.
Archis gasped, and stopped playing his beautiful black bass geetar. The dragon rolled back onto his stomach, oohing & aahing & owing.
"Oh no!" cried Archis, "What'd you do that for?!"
"What'd you mean 'What'd you do that for?!'?!" questioned Paul, "He's the dragon! What did you think we'd do, take him out and buy him a nice dinner!?"
"We could have just ran off! You didn't have to hurt him!"
"Yeah!" cried the dragon in pain, "What would I have done?!"
"You're the fuccking dragon!" yelled Han, "You would've eaten us!"
"How do you know?!? You don't know my diet! You don't know what I eat! But anyways, that still really hurt!"
"Oh, poor dragon!" cried Archis, running towards the beast.
"Oh, fucking gig, leave him alone! Let's just go!" yelled Han.
Han, Paul, Duncan, Tom & Lukas all ran towards the bridge over the moat, but Archis stayed with the dragon.
"Oh, are you alright, dragon?" asked Archis sincerely.
"I have a name, you know." replied the dragon bluntly.
"What is it, then?" asked Archis nicely.
"Ross." replied Ross.
"Oh, that's a nice name. I bet you're really a nice dragon, aren't you?"
"Yes, I am! I'm just so lonely...You can imagine how lonely one would get when everyone you've ever met has gone running away, screaming in terror. That's why I kept Han locked in a tower. I just wanted some companionship. I don't normally eat people or burn them alive, either. I just hate it when people try to sneak up on me or take things that belong to me. Especially without asking. That's why I killed all those musicians trying to get Han. They were trying to take my only company away. If they had asked, though, maybe I would have been nicer. Even if Han had asked to leave, I probably would have let her." finished Ross, with a sweet, sincere tone to his voice.
"You cunt! No you wouldn't have!" yelled Han.
"How would you know?!?" cried the dragon, with a tone suggesting he could burst into tears at any moment. "Did you ever ask to leave?!?"
"..no..." was Han's quiet riposte.
"I would've let you go!" cried Ross, bursting into tears.
"There, there..." said Archis, consoling the poor dragon. "We forgive you, don't we guys?"
"Oh..sure!" said Tom.
"Okay, alright." said Duncan.
"Oh, sure, why not?" said Lukas.
"FUCKING HELL! Yeah right I forgive him!" Screamed Han. "He killed all my rescuers after locking me up in a tower! That's not easily forgiven, you know!"
"Oh but he's really sorry! Aren't you, Ross?" Said Archis.
"Yes, please forgive me, Han! I promise to never do it again!" pleaded the dragon.
"Oh..." Han started, but looked around at all the pretty rockstars with faces begging her to forgive him, she gave in.
"Alright, alright, I forgive you! But you better not do it again!"
"Oh, thank you!" cried Ross with glee. "Oh, Han, wait right there! I've got something you'll like!" the dragon said before running inside. A minute later he came back out with a fair-sized bottle, filled to the brim with a dark brown liquid.
"For you, Han! Thank you for forgiving me!"
"Oh! Is this what I think it is?" Han asked, with an ecstatic look on her face.
"I think it is! Enjoy!" replied Ross.
Han thanked Ross deeply, and Paul eyed the bottle when Ross handed it to her, but she tucked it away in her pocket.
"We'd better get going." said Paul. "We've got to catch a plane back to Newcastle."
"Alright!" said Ross.
"Oh, Ross!" said Tom, coming up to him, "I think of got something for you!" he said, pulling something plastic out of his left pocket and handing it to Ross. "I always carry a spare around with me, and today it's come in handy!"
"..What's this?" Ross asked, nufolding it.
"No, no, don't do that! Wait until you're alone." Tom said, winking to Ross.
"Well, let's getting going!" said Paul.
The dragon said goodbye to everyone, and everyone said goodbye to the dragon.
They got on the plane and went back to Newcastle.
For saving her, Han signed the band to her label, and they all lived happily ever after!


From: (Anonymous)
2006-02-06 05:05 pm (UTC)

Her friend?
If you call someone who spends weeks making dolls for you, cries over the dolls, bleeds over the dolls, then has to get all sticky and converse with some crazy homeless person to get enough money to send the dolls so that they'll MAYBE get there on time so she can take them to some silly show that she FORGOT to take them to a friend, then yes. I am her friend.
That skanky whore.
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